Let's Review

     This week I would like to quickly reflect on the good and the bad, and praise God in both. 

Bad:

• I forgot my tithe on Sunday. The tithe that I specifically got out for this week. D:
• I encountered my first child abuse suspicion this week, and found my place of work does not have a set child abuse protocol for their employees. I felt disappointed and anxious over it these past five days.
• My intercultural communications class just added a group presentation onto my list of things to do.
• My special education class has gotten harder for me, as I am the only one in the class who does not teach in a school. 
• There is a severe lack of servanthood from myself within my home and my friendships. 
• I really struggled managing my preschool classroom this morning, and am still failing at finding ways to get my little boy with autism to stop purposefully distracting the other kids. 

Good: 

• I have made the decision to set apart all the money in my wallet for Jesus, and really surrender my bank account to Him. 
• The Lord has let me introduce child abuse safety protocol to my place of employment, and I'm learning how to properly document and spot suspicious findings. I have been assured that my "bosses" will take care of the situation I have already documented. 
• I have an opportunity to shine for Jesus this Friday with my group members from my intercultural communications class. 
• There is a wonderful, wonderful woman in my WBS group who is willing to help me with my upcoming assignment for my special education course. 
• The Lord is merciful and gracious to me and has still given me time on this earth to practice and live servanthood with my family members and my friends. 
• My little boy with autism is still my energetic, fun buddy, and I find blessings in that. I have special education instructors who I know will be willing to help me if I seek it. I also had a great time with the young ladies of my classroom today, as well as a couple boys who joyfully listened to instruction! 

     Despite all my selfishness, the Father continues to bless me. He is good even when life is hard. He is loving towards me even when I do not want to hear from Him. And the Holy Spirit throws a good punch. It's a type of punch that hurts like heck, but is good because it is needed. He steers my thoughts back to where they should be, and I find myself seeking His truths, not because I want to, but because I know I have to to stay alive. Jesus did not die in vain. The power of His resurrection is living in me and I cannot let myself go stagnant. Everyone knows that stagnant water is not to be drinken...the good water is the water that rushes with great force. 

"Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
¹¹ Do not cast me from your presence
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation
    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." 

-Psalm 51:10-12

Maranatha. Come, Oh Lord. 

Always Active, Always Alive.

     Last night was just one of those nights where you feel so stressed out, you just sit there not knowing what to do with yourself. All I knew was that I had to stop and bring it all to the Lord, starting out with all my "concerns" which were more like panicky worries. Of course, I really should be bringing everything to the Lord in general, but that's a side note. ;D Anyways, this is a shout-out to the Holy Spirit and His goodness. I tend to start out praying with a tude. No surprise if you know me, but He always has my tude "softened" by the end of the prayer, and it brings me great gratitude. I don't know how He does it, but I think that's why He's God! He got me reading His word, realizing where I had failed and recognizing where He never fails. I was depending on myself so much, lacking in faith, not seeking His righteousness or His kingdom. I had forgotten how many times in a semester when He has been so faithful to me and has always provided for me. Why do I always forget? Because I'm lame. And He's not. And I'm proud. And He's humble. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit is an active one when I'm a lazy one. He means so much to me, I am having trouble finding the words to describe it. He's alive in me and is chipping away at the stone, creating something for Himself. He is such a merciful and loving Spirit. He gave me a grateful and peaceful heart. He brought me contentment. And I fell asleep happy. :)



 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? 


  And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." 


Matthew 6:25-34

Maranatha. Come, Oh Lord.

He Renews.

That wasn’t me.

I am not that woman that he wants me to be.

I lay face down on my bed

Burning tears flowing down my cheeks,

he had already left a mark.

That branding iron had seared my arm.

I was left desperately wondering why I was not that woman.

Why I did not want to be the she he wanted me to be.

A heavenly cloud swooped in and lifted me from my misconstrued dwelling.

He looked me straight in the face and said over and over

That is not who I made you to be.

I do not want you to be the she he wants you to be. 

Yes, but what about this??

What about thisthisthisandthis??

Somebody on the outside was socking me in the stomach.

You’re not good enough.

You will never fit that mold.

You cannot be reset to your original factory setting,

There is no room for artistry here,

You are not wanted.

I ran.

I ran and somebody found me and said

He loves you.

I ran again.

I ran until I found a different home

and there, the man on the screen said,

You are no longer sin. 

You are redeemed.

He is your perfection.

Different people...

They gathered around me and prayed

and that mark on my arm began to fade

and He kept pursuing me like a lion.

So I stood in my tracks ready for the impact.

Wanting the impact.

And when it came holy tears flowed down my cheeks.

He loved me anyway.

Not because of what I had done

but because of who He is.

And that mold that I so desperately thought I needed to be in

was not mine. 

He is mine.

I am His.

and no man can tell me otherwise.

Today.

It's amazing how you can go from an enlightened evening to a manic morning. Last night, I was writing love notes to my eternal lover in my head, thanking Him for fellowship and His word. This morning, I found myself yelling and mildly cursing at my little brother for being disrespectful beyond reason towards my mother. He's crying over something stupid, Mom's upset that he's not listening, Dad comes home early from work just to talk with him over his behavior. I just left the house to get some supplies for a party this evening thinking about how I hate everybody today. I hate that cashier that just gave horrible customer service to an old man, I hate those people in the parking lots that are in front of me, I hate those two gang bangin' freaks that just cut me off multiple times; just don't mess, or I may run you over with my car in my head over and over and over again. Harsh, I know. But this is how I feel. Anger is controlling my life today, and when I leave it up to me to handle things, it just gets worse. So here's my prayer for the rest of today:

Lord, you know I'm mad. You know I want to just shut myself in my room until life is over for today. But, that can't happen. That's not supposed to happen. I am your child who is supposed to be becoming more like Jesus. So what happened today? I'm distraught over hearing the same thing from my little brother multiple times a week, I'm angry that my mother deals with it the way she does, and I'm sad that my father is the one expected to fix it, all the time. I want to give the entire situation to you, but when it happens over and over I feel like this little brother situation is completely hopeless. On top of that, we're supposed to act like a God-fearing, Christian family in front of Dad's employees at the Halloween party tonight. This will be a failure without you. We will fail. You're holding us together by what feels like a thin thread and I've been waiting for it to completely snap. HELP US, PLEASE! I know you do great and mighty things! You saved the Israelites from the Egyptians, You brought Jonah out of the whale, You made water into wine, You cast out demons, You walked on water, You brought people back from the dead. But when it comes to my immediate family situation, I struggle the most with trusting that You are powerful enough to redeem us. It's a sickening feeling. It's more than I can emotionally bear, as you have seen. Please Lord, remove my doubt. Help me depend on You and not myself. I fall when I forget that you are there, waiting for me to call on You. The rest of the day can be good. You are able to bless me with joy and patience. You are able to save my little brother from himself. You are able to restore my parents' lives to the way that it used to be, but better. Sanctify us to be more like Jesus. It's possible. I just have to keep reminding myself that it is. For now, I need to love little brother despite his actions. I need to support and love my parents in whatever decisions they make for us as a family. I need to watch my anger, my words, my attitude. It's a very bumpy and windy road we are on right now. You've placed these trials in my little family's life for a reason. Remind me that You are sanctifying us in them. That You love us still, even when we suck at life, and when we hate each other. Remind me that Your love never fails. That You are bigger than every trial that we face. This doesn't feel like a small trial. I know it's big. But You are the Creator of the universe who holds us together. You are my Rock and strength for each day. You provide me with breath to breathe, and a heart that beats. You are the Savior of my soul, and because of that, I will find rest. Today is a very short time compared to eternity with You. Thank You for keeping me alive today, and for providing me with a family I know still loves me, despite its many faults. Thank You, my Awesome Giver, my Jesus, 

Amen. 

Maranatha. Come, Oh Lord.

I need to eat more.

It's late (of course) and I find myself in bed thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about. I'm sure many can relate to the feeling of loneliness sometimes. It's a place where you forget about how much God wants you to talk to Him. It's where you keep digging a hole for yourself, just to sit in the dirt & wonder how you got there. You distract your mind with other things & try to fill up this hole with everything but the Savior. After being on the internet for too long (my personal downfall) I made the decision to listen to a little bit of Shane & Shane music because I knew that if I was going to be too stubborn to crack open God's Word, I at least can have somebody sing truth into my ears, just to force it in somehow because I know I need it. Of course, as expected, it brought me to my most vulnerable state (in case you're wondering, it was "Crucify Him" & "In a Little While" that did it) where I understood that I had starved myself all day, & I needed something, anything, to eat. I grabbed my Bible as fast as I could & opened it to Daniel, the book I've been studying.

Daniel & the lion's den. Classic Sunday School story. Being the fallen person that I am, I read it & thought to myself, "God, I want to be like Daniel & be such a great servant for you that you would shut the mouths of lions for me & save me." It didn't take me long to realize how STUPID that must have sounded to Him. Shane & Shane's song lyrics on Christ's crucifixion quickly popped into my mind & I suddenly remembered...HE ALREADY SAVED ME! I AM NOT SAVED BY WORKS! (Thank God, although I really would like to be as resolved as Daniel ;D). He provided us with His Son, what more do I need?? Daniel didn't even get to hear or read about Jesus' life on earth, how can I be jealous?? (Now I'm left feeling kinda bad for Daniel, HA!).

After I have this awesome moment I continue to read about the lions that tore up the satraps & their families before they hit the floor of the den, & King Darius, the gentile, singing praises to God. Wow. It's amazing how His word truly is alive. When He reminds you of how powerful & great He is, the thoughts you had earlier just seem so beyond foolish afterwards. He saves. He's gracious. He's near. He's beyond full comprehension. And yet, I continue to starve myself throughout the day!

In Shane & Shane's song "In a Little While" they sing about "unveiled eyes seeing glory untattered" in the New Jerusalem. I can't wait for that day because honestly, sin is exhausting & I'm sick of it. Having this feeling of awe needs to be constant, & I know there will come a day when that will be my life.

Daniel 6, Hebrews 4:12, and really, Colossians 3:2.

Maranatha. Come, Oh Lord.

Whaddya Think?

Yesterday my mother and I were watching the news, and I heard a phrase that started out like this, "All children deserve the best ______" (I cannot recall what it was now, but that does not matter for understanding purposes). The word 'deserve' has never had a postive meaning for me. I wanted to pick apart this phrase because, I have been taught all my life, that everyone deserves death. I am not going to disagree with that statement, because I do believe in total depravity, (being born into sin through Adam, Romans 5:12). However, I felt convicted about saying that all children do not deserve the best ______. Biblically, am I wrong? 

I have been in the book of Matthew for sometime in my personal bible study, and studying Christ's attributes is both a huge task and a blessing. There is so much to learn, but it does not cease to place me in awe at night as I read in bed. Children's minds are shaped by how we treat them. They are influenced by the teachings around them and by our sin.

Matthew 18:5-6 states,  
“Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea." 

Jesus had previously praised child-like humility in verses 2-4, ^"And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

So far we have: 1. Do not lead a child into sin, and 2. humble yourself like a child. I suppose what I am trying to get at is that children are a big deal in the eyes of Jesus. In the next chapter (verses13-15), He prays over them, and boldly states, "...the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (v 14b). Have you ever stopped to meditate on that incredible truth?? Wow!

The Bible commands that we raise Godly children through His word and through discipline, (Proverbs is the book to read, folks!). It also demands thankfulness for children in calling them blessings from God (Psalm 127:3-5). Therefore, I  feel that I can conclude that they deserve the best parenting. 

In conclusion, I suppose the question should be shifted from, "Do they deserve the best?" to "What is your definition of parenting, do you base it off of what Scripture, or what the world tells you?" Now that's somethin' to think about! ;D

Come, Oh Lord. Maranatha. 

He Quenched My Thirst

I cannot describe it plainly

It’s like a child sprinting from the waves

Or a sickness that engulfs the body vainly
It sends our souls to our graves

It’s like the shadows of yesterday are coming
And illusions attack you from behind

But the battle drums keep drumming

And the troops are all aligned

And their swords have been revealed

And my mind embraces new release

For the source of life is no longer concealed  

And the moans within have deceased

Now I’m jumping instead of running

And revitalizing all that was dead

This ink and paper that is beyond stunning!

My foes have now all fled!

There’s a sweetness in the air

I can taste that it is good

The fragrance is drifting from over there

I’d take you with me if I could!

But alas, this journey was destined for me,

Even if your bookshelf possesses the key...